The world of toxic moms' groups is a real eye-opener, and it's a shame that something so potentially beneficial can turn sour. Martina's story is a prime example of how these groups can go from supportive to judgmental in the blink of an eye. She thought a baby signing class would be a great way to meet other moms and teach her baby some simple communication skills, but after just a few sessions, she felt judged and ostracized.
Martina's experience is not unique. American singer Ashley Tisdale wrote about her own toxic mom group, where she felt excluded despite the initial benefits she had found in being part of such a community. Dr. Noëlle Santorelli, a clinical psychologist, describes new motherhood as a profound identity shift, and explains how motherhood can bring out insecurities and fears of exclusion in a primal way.
The conflict within these groups is often subtle, with passive-aggressive comments and gossip adding to the sense of exclusion. Martina felt this judgment even before her son was born, when a fellow mom-to-be on a social networking app suddenly stopped responding after learning about her elective C-section.
But why do these groups turn toxic? Santorelli suggests it's like a teenage girl clique, with competition and a desire to exclude others. Rachel, another mom, experienced this first-hand when small misunderstandings escalated, and people were mocked or excluded from events. She was eventually frozen out herself, a situation she found very upsetting and confusing.
The question then arises: should moms confront the situation or gradually pull away? Santorelli advises a gradual retreat, especially in situations where you can't fully avoid the group, like in schools or neighborhoods. However, Michelle Elman, author of Bad Friend, argues that addressing the issue gives people a chance to change.
Some moms, like Kelly, choose to give up on moms' groups altogether. She felt bullied out of her local group and, after moving back to her hometown and having more children, decided not to join any new groups. Instead, she found a friend through baby sensory classes, a more organic and non-judgmental approach to making mom friends.
Rachel, now in her 20s, reflects on her time in a toxic moms' group and admits to contributing to its toxic dynamic. She realizes now that it was driven by a herd mentality, and she regrets joining in on the mockery of another mom. Martina, too, acknowledges that she has judged other parents in the past, highlighting the irony of the situation.
So, what's the solution? Finding a supportive and non-judgmental moms' group can be a challenge, and Martina dreads the thought of joining another, fearing both judgment and exposing her child to negative parental behavior. It's a catch-22 situation, as she feels misunderstood by non-mom friends, yet judged by other moms.
The stories of these moms highlight the importance of creating safe and supportive spaces for new mothers, and the need for awareness and understanding to combat the toxicity that can sometimes arise in these groups.
